Have you heard the good news? The world is ending this weekend , which means fire, brimstone, and the four horsemen of the Apocalypse will all be belching forth from the burgeoning hellmouth to destroy mankind, all set to the pounding soundtrack of Billy Joel's Big Shot.
It will be awful. That being said, you still gotta eat!
So we're heading to the non-perishable section, and stocking our bunkers with only the finest canned meat, by which we mean, products that received at least one customer submitted five-star rating on Amazon.com. Here's 15 of the best, and remember, these are excerpts from REAL reviews of REAL canned meat products. All spelling mistakes have been left as is, seeing as after The Fire, we will be reinventing language anyway.
Good luck out there, and Bon Appetit!
1.) Dak Premium Ham
Review: "I'd been told this stuff tasted like Spam, but I found it to be much more mild and "ham-like." All-in-all, a very good "emergency meat" product with a good flavor and unique texture (sort of like wood particle board if it were made from ham)… You'll find a bit of gelatinous goo inside, but not a lot…All things considered, this is one of the best canned meat products I've ever eaten." – 5.0 out of 5 stars. December 29, 2010, written by Billy Suratt (Kentucky, USA)
Spam is like lobster. I love it in small amounts every once in a while but wouldn't want to eat it every day." – 5.0 out of 5 stars.July 7, 2009, written by "bob y" (Boston, MA)
Review: "While this lobster meat looked all oily and gross, like a Philip Seymour Hoffman sex scene, it was quite edible." – 5.0 out of 5 stars. November 9, 2010, written by Dr. Dave "Fair and Balanced Reviews" (Ann Arbor, MI)
Review: "Reliable & good,The Underwood deviled ham is a consistent product… Good for anyone building emergency food stores, or wanting a good store of protein without need for refrigeration (until opened). I'll buy again." – 5.0 out of 5 stars. December 25, 2010, written by MiniB (Michigan)
The good news is that it's way easier to slice than a real turkey, and you can cook it in a few minutes. And yes, I really recommend slicing and browning this stuff in a frying pan. Otherwise it does sort of resemble cat food." – 5.0 out of 5 stars. August 14, 2009, written by "lighten_up_already2" (Kirkland, WA)
Review: "I can still remember the first time I tasted this product. I was at an afternoon tea and the little finger sandwiches were fancy and delicious." – 5.0 out of 5 stars, written by Billie Vanderburg "Smart Shopper"
Review: "Libby's Roast Beef with gravy is great! When the Roast Beef arrived at my house I couldn't tell what the expiration date was with all those numbers on the can. So, I called the 1 800 number on the can of roast beef. I have about 2 years before expiration date expires. My roast beef was packaged November 5, 2008 with an expiration date of November 5 2010. Very good!"
UPDATED December 15th, 2010: "Looks like Amazon has to many of these cans in there warehouse. The expiration date is getting closer. The taste of the meat has changed too. The taste is ok but it's definitely different. On the can it now says it's made in Argentina. I believe it was Brazil before. Maybe their cows are different in Argentina. I prefer the other cow…Libby's, please go back to the old cows." – 5.0 out of 5 stars. February 24, 2009, written by "couchbum" (California)
Review: "Delicious. Remove paper before heating & cover with sliced cheddar cheese. Your mouth will love you." – 5.0 out of 5 stars. October 26, 2009, written by Goose "Freighter Captian" (The Mile High City)
Review: "I FOUND THIS ITEM IN A STORE AND ONLY BROUGHT TWO CANS OF IT. THERE IS NO FAT IN THE HAM AND HAD TO ADD OLIVE OIL TO IT TO FRY IT. THE BEST HAN I EVERY BROUGHT. I LATER FOUND OUT ARMOUR STOP MAKING IT, THAT IS THERE LOST." – 5.0 out of 5 stars. September 27, 2010, written by John T. Greiner (MANHEIM,PA)
Review: "I grew up on Big Franks, so I admit they are an acquired taste. They don't taste like regular hot dogs. The texture is softer, and more chewy. But they are flavorful, and I think the flavor grows on you–although others in my family object entirely, and they find the aroma very disagreeable…Plus, they are so convenient. You can eat them straight from the can. Start with the one in the middle so you can wiggle the others out that are stuck to the side of the can.;)" – 5.0 out of 5 stars. February 23, 2007, written by R. Thomson (Highland, CA)
Review: "If you are craving that euphoric pain/pleasure feeling, this will not be spicy enough for you. However, I find the level of heat is just right so as to not overpower the SPAM's delicious porkiness." 5.0 out of 5 stars. July 23, 2010, written by By E W
Review: "When you open the can you'll see the congealed fat, the meat and some juice. If you are health conscious you can easily scoop off the fat. You could also use it all as-is for added flavor. It does cost more than fresh ground beef, but the grocery stores will be impossible to get to when the zombies attack." – 5.0 out of 5 stars. June 4, 2009, written by T. A. Hansen (Eagan, MN)
Review: "Popping the can the contents appear to be similar to dog food. Once you mash it up and heat it in the microwave, the haggis transforms into a bowl of steamy goodness. Who would've thought that a conglomeration of sheep's hearts, lungs, and liver mixed with oats could taste so good? I definitley didn't. I was pleasantly surprised how the flavors meld into such a magnificent dish." – 5.0 out of 5 stars. September 13, 2008, written by Jared W. Porter (Evansville, IN)
Review:Although we usually buy the regular, not the lite, we enjoyed the Lite Treet tremendously! It tasted much better than I expected, and it tasted much better than other brands, like Spam or store brands of luncheon loaf. I was very happy to have bought it." – 5.0 out of 5 stars. December 25, 2009, written by "picky" (Warsaw, IN)
Review: "I like Chicken… As I said I like chicken, and I am partial to water so surely I would like chicken preserved in water…To summarise, if you like chicken and you like water then you should have no problems with this product." – 5.0 out of 5 stars. July 28, 2010, written by Tyne and Wear