Twitter is a tool for communication. It is also often a means of communication for tools. Look, we all know Twitter has its uses. It’s Facebook for the friendless – all of the status updating, none of the “liking,” “friending” or faux-reconnecting. It’s an unparalleled resource for self-promotion, and it gives celebrities an outlet besides talk shows, nightclubs, and reality TV to publicly humiliate themselves.
But stop it.
You know what we mean. Stop doing those annoying things that make us reconsider the positive side of being an active Twatter.
1.) Food Twitpics I don’t care if the barista sculpted a perfect likeness of you out of the cappuccino foam, no one needs a minute-by-minute update of what you’re cramming into your facehole. Remember when you’d bring candy to elementary school and the teacher would ask if you brought enough for the whole class? This is that, on a global scale.
2.) It’s Twitter, Not Instant Messenger Having a long, detailed, intimate conversation with someone over Twitter is not only like having your doctor give you the results of your blood test via the Yankee Stadium PA, it also requires way too much work on the part of the third party. By the time you click on the fourth “in reference to” tag, you begin to feel like the world’s lamest archeologist.
3.) Twitter Will Not Save the World I don’t mean to be cynical (OK, not that cynical), but I'm pretty sure that not a single Somali baby was given a plate of nourishing food simply because @FancyDan listened to @CircusPeanuts’ pleas to retweet her message about starvation. Nor did your “RT” do anything to stop floods, earthquakes, riots, or wrongful prosecutions. Twitter is a glorified message board, not Kal-El.
4.) It’s a Hashtag, Not an Eye Chart The purpose of a hashtag is coherence – it’s like Twitter is a stand-up comedian asking “Anyone here ever fly on a plane? Am I right?” But when you start tagging your nonsensical 140 character blathering with equally unintelligible hashtags like #KarmaTTTPowerYbeemer you have left everyone scratching their heads. I could take the time to decipher your code, but that would leave me less time to play #ReplaceOneWordinaMoveTitleWithPancakes
5.) Humblebragging “Just landed in Paris. SO TIRED!” “How is it that I can be on a private resort island with no cars and still have road rage? LULZ” Wrapping a brag in a complaint mean you are an insufferable d-bag and, likely, the editor-in-chief of Goop.com. You are not being “one of the people” and you are not “showing your down-to-earth” side. You are letting thousands of faceless people know that your fabulous life is simply exhausting – be thankful you aren’t privileged. Seriously.
6.) The Celebri-tease You know who you are and, frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself. One time – you actually responded directly to a fan one time – and now we all have to suffer the endless cries for attention from a million fame whores. Celebrities are, at best, supposed to be aloof or, at least, supposed to have some faceless lackey tweeting for them because some agent thinks it’ll help “maintain their profile.” Why else would Tom Cruise’s Twitter have such amazing insights such as “Tom Cruise think you would like this new Tom Cruise trailer.” Stop mixing with the rabble and giving them hope that you want to be pals.
7.) Being a Trending Troll The worst part of inexplicable trending topics – apart from the fact that seeing someone’s name on that list always makes you assume they’re dead – is that they inspire an endless stream of “Why is _______ trending?” whines that clog up your news feed. Trust us, discovering that people seem to want to talk about “Harvey Keitel Nude Scenes” isn’t nearly as problematic as the idea that this conversation really irritates @SamboJazz4Eva.
8.) Using a Tweet Extender Not only is this like having to reach for the bridge during a billiards match (a no-no), it basically defines the acronym TLDF (too long, didn’t finish). If what you have to say really, really, really needs more than 140 characters, it should be a Facebook status update. Plain and simple. Annoy the people who are pretending to care about your life with your Twat Novella, @JamesJoyce. Twitter is all about the sprint, not the marathon.
9.) Being Tirelessly Boring Nothing makes us reach for the “Unfollow” button than people who use Twitter to update the most tedious aspects for their day. If you’ve ever typed “Just woke up. Good morning” and then hit the “Tweet” button satisfied that you have fulfilled the minimum requirement for a digital missive, you need to have your privileges revoked. “Just woke up” is something your brain is legally required to say to you so that you’re not gripped with a confused panic when the light hits your eyes. It is not something you need to share. The same goes for “I need coffee,” “sunny day today!” and, “only blood will make the voices stop.”