This video. This. Video. This is only a "sneak peek," but I need to see and hear more. I have to luxuriate in the sonic magnificence of this pop princess. It's not like I have to remind any of you, but Kim Kardashian dropped her new single "Jam (Turn It Up)" in March, and her fans prayed for a music video. Thank you for listening to those prayers, God. Here's a minute of her epic epic. But it's not enough.
I now know what a deer is thinking as it stares into the headlights of an oncoming car. That deer thinks, "How can anything so horrifying be so beautiful?" Then, his poor little Bambi brain gets splattered all over the hood.
This video opened my head and took a hand-cranked eggbeater to my skull jelly. I am dumber for having watched Kim Kardashian's newest magic trick, which is making anyone believe she is a singer. Her past magic tricks have included: turning a NASCAR race into a wedding, hypnotizing millions of people into buying any product with her name on it and making her fame-forging sex tape disappear from popular memory.
"Jam (Turn It Up)" has no redeeming social or aesthetic qualities. It is cliche to call this predictable music video cliche. Yet I am transfixed by its comfortable awfulness. Did you know that Kim Kardashian's rear end is almost as famous as she is? Because her butt has a co-starring role in a video that tells the story of a woman who has to crawl on all fours to fix a broken fan while caught in a body oil downpour. The video cuts from what appears to be a heavily medicated Kim trying to remember the words she needs to lip-sync to and unbelievably trashy shots of her leather-covered butt meat and then back again.
Auto-tune is to music what steroids is to professional sports. A form of cheating. That software can make a goat's bleats sound like something you could lay over sick beats. But for some reason, it suits Kim. She would make a lovely singing robot. Maybe in the near future after the machines have taken over, the terminators will have her sing auto-tuned lullabies to their baby terminators.
As I mentioned, this is just a preview of what is to come, which I can only hope are more shots of Kim licking her swollen lips and more insipid lyrics about turning it up at the club. Has there ever been a club in the history of the world where people complain that the music isn't loud enough? Kim wants it to be louder. She wants to jam. Dammit, turn it up!
Hopefully, the full video will have more pink, more moisture, more of Kim on her hands and knees. Why can't she stand up? Shut up, it's a metaphor. Dear God, it's me John. Deliver unto me an extended remix of "Jam (Turn It Up)" with accompanying video.