I wish I could say that Lady Gaga showed up to last night’s Video Music Awards wearing a pantsuit made of raw bacon. Or that Kanye West b*tch-slapped Justin Bieber. Or that Britney Spears flashed her “Britney” to the audience. Or that the Jersey Shore cast released a skin cancer awareness campaign. But sadly, we got none of that. The show was an anticlimactic montage of bad pop music (with the exception of Adele) interspersed with a few especially dumb moments. Such as:
1) Beyoncé awkwardly rubs pregnant belly on live television. B stole last night’s show by revealing she and Jay-Z are expecting a bun in the million-dollar oven. She kicked off her performance by stating, “I want you to feel the love that’s growing inside of me,” before launching into a lackluster 1960s-style R&B show. She ended the ditty by unbuttoning her jacket and creepily rubbing her belly for the camera.
2) Justin Bieber pokes girlfriend with his flesh-colored snake. During the VMA pre-show, the teen popster was interviewed by his baby-faced girlfriend, Selena Gomez. “I have a snake,” Bieber declared. “My snake’s name is Johnson.” He then proceeded to tease Gomez with his, er, snake. Biebs, where is your mother? I would like a word with her, please.
3) Lady Gaga. Period. Gags opened the show by bursting onto the scene as her male greaser alter-ego, Jo Calderone. She babbled about something I paid no attention to before launching into song with several other Danny Zuko lookalikes. Gags remained in male character throughout the show, which got old quick. I demand a do-over! With a dress made of scrambled eggs!
4) MTV and their oversaturated hype. It’s all anyone could talk about — the big premiere of The Hunger Games trailer and a mysterious Britney Spears tribute, four years after her disastrous half-baked performance. As a hardcore Games fan (TEAM PEETA), I was thoroughly disappointed with the movie preview that depicted little more than a scared Jennifer Lawrence running through the woods. And as a closet Britney fan, I wanted good ol’ Brit to say more than two words into the mic.
5) The chick with the broken foot. A singer I’ve never heard of was sitting on stage all night with the house band. After randomly breaking into song at every commercial, I found out that her name is Jessie J, thanks to the Twitter trending topics.