Mother of the Year When you’re fighting with another kid in your neighborhood and mom intervenes, she’s going to be a wet blanket—unless she tells you to hurl a brick at the kid’s face. [The Wichita Eagle]

How Rude Have you ever had an uninvited guest who eats more than their share during breakfast? I bet it’s never been a camel. [Huff Post Weird News]

How Incredibly Rude! Speaking of guests at meals, how about the guy that killed his friend halfway through dinner, lopped off a chunk of back flesh, cooked it, and ate it in front of his family? [BroBible]

Fryday Apparently Rebecca Black was grilled so heavily at school for her “Friday” music video that her mother pulled her out of school. Her peers came up with unpredictable zingers such as, “’Oh hey, Rebecca, guess what day it is?’” [TMZ]

Muppet Matrimony An online campaign has been pressuring “Sesame Street” producers to have Bert and Ernie get married to each other. Sesame Workshop took the opportunity to state that Muppets don’t have a sexual orientation. Regardless, consider the tax benefits, boys. [NY Daily News]

The Church, the Taser, and the Knife Getting laid off can be tough to handle, but please don’t tase the pastor—because a deacon is going to start stabbing your mother in the arm. [msnbc Weird News]

Drive and Dash If you're planning to take a taxi far enough to rack up a $250 fare with no intention of paying, don’t get dropped off at your apartment. [nola.com]

Stock Market Hookers? What do hookers and the stock market have in common? Well, we weren’t sure either—until now. Thanks, New York Post! [HappyPlace]

Ding Dong…OHMYGODTHEPAIN Ding dong ditch is beloved by children everywhere, except the kid who allegedly got shot in the stomach by a crazy old dude who apparently wasn’t as big of a fan. [610wiod.com]