Dumb dive Telling the police that just arrested you that your handcuffs are too tight can be a good way to escape from the patrol car. Just don't jump in a river; you're wearing handcuffs, remember? [The Gadsden Times]

Snakes in a house A pet snake can be a surprisingly laborious commitment. How about sixty of them? Wait! It gets better: they’re venomous and are probably thirsting to sink their poisoned fangs into your tender flesh. [wyff4]

Under the influence, above the law If a cop is found passed out in the middle of a highway, you’d expect due justice. Especially if he’s intoxicated over four times the legal limit. Apparently ‘paid sick leave’ is another way to serve “justice”. [wcax]

Cooking in the nude Sun tanning nude on a dock is a great way to improve your look. Unless you fall asleep. OHMYLORDITBURNS [statesman.com]

Unsung genius Would you watch a TV show about a normal girl who marries into a family of warlocks, witches, and psychics? Why not, right? Check out that and many more tragically unsold TV pilots. […by Ken Levine]

Where to shop Why wouldn’t you buy a basket from a company whose HQ is a giant basket? That’s the quality of Longaberger Company’s unwavering dedication. Here are many more businesses that have buildings that look like what they’re selling. [mental_floss]

Ego freak show Saying you need to be the Michael Jordan of music is setting some high expectations for yourself. Believing that people who see you on the street view you as a modern Adolf Hitler is vilifying yourself. Claiming both is just confusing. [TMZ]

Law and chaos When the police tie up much of their resources to shut down a neighborhood—bringing in their helicopters and SWAT teams—you know the situation is chaotic. I'm sorry, the call was a hoax and nothing was happening. Whoops! [wftv.com]

Monkey business If you’re a couple posting a $500 dollar reward for the return of your missing child, you’re on the right track. When the man who finds your child but doesn’t return him because he finds your boy cute, you should be mortified. When your child is actually a stuffed toy monkey that you’ve raised like a son for a decade, well, I don’t know how you should feel. [New York Post]

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