I might just be an average American citizen, but I know that if the Republicans and the Democrats don’t raise the debt ceiling and also keep at its current level and raise taxes and raise spending and cut taxes and cut spending and make government smaller and bigger all at the same time, then we are all going to die and that’s the best case scenario.
The worst case scenario is that in a month or so, we’ll all be pitchfork fighting hobos for cans of beans in the streets. Soup kitchens will be forced to ladle gravel into empty bowls. Shotgun shells will replace actual currency.
The debt ceiling crisis is real. It’s not just power tribe drama seizures over ideological abstractions. This crisis is worse than any crisis America has ever had to face, worse than mad cow disease, the h1n1 flu pandemic, and killer bees. Worse than vampire Nazis, Soviet battle robots and COBRA. When politicians tell you to be afraid, it’s best to just stop thinking, and do whatever they tell you. Washington has spoken out of both sides of it's greasy face: be afraid! Be very afraid! In fact, just panic! If we don’t do exactly what Democrats and Republicans say, even if the things they say are diametrically opposed to one another, then we’re all doomed!
This is what I know, and I’ve been following this totally real crisis for hours now. I spent intense minutes flipping between the communist news channel and the fascist news channel. Obviously, if you’re on television, you’re a brilliant mind and not just an acting school dropout. I’ve also read blogs, which are like newspapers with less words and facts, and facts are boring.
So I’m informed about this crisis that is right around the corner. Let's forget that most economic crises take Wall Street, the markets and all the smug, dumb money plumbers in pinstripes who work in finance by surprise. I'm pretty sure the stock market crashes of `29, '87 and '08 weren't preceded by a vast political soap opera starring two divas warning about looming disaster. But I could be wrong about that. History is just another mystery, like fossils.
Will the debt ceiling be raised? Will it not be raised? Will our economy jackknife, leading to a future where the rich grow fat and watch the rest of us fight for our lives in subterranean gladiator pits? I don’t know. All I know about the debt ceiling are these 15 valuable nuggets of well-researched opinion freshly harvested from my magical bowels:
1.) The Democrats and Republicans are playing the most boring game of chicken ever played.
2.) Credit is a terrible thing, unless you’re a business, or a family, or anyone who participates at all in the modern economy.
3.) If America defaults, China is prepared to call every single American at dinnertime. They are currently building the largest credit collection call center in the history of mankind.
4.) According to Democrats, Republicans want to cut spending on public water fountains, homeless shelters and love.
5.) According to Republicans, if Democrats raise taxes, they will send Federal S.W.A.T. Delta Force thugs to your house, where they will rifle through your junk drawer and take all of your pocket change, only to spend it on deviant sex education for toddlers and coconut water for illegal immigrants.
6.) Briefly, there was a bipartisan agreement to put in a nice skylight in the debt ceiling, but that was abandoned after a drunken brawl.
7.) The actual debt ceiling has spikes on it, like in a Temple of Doom.
8.) Cheeto-hued Speaker of the House John Boehner would rather be golfing, which is to say, taking a nice stroll around a multi-million dollar private park where the only working people are working on making you a gin and tonic back at the clubhouse.
9.) President Obama’s heart pumps pure liquid Ambien. He’d also rather be playing Angry Birds on his iPad while listening to NPR.
10.) Somewhere, deep inside the Capitol, Tea Party Republicans are waterboarding the debt ceiling.
11.) The debt ceiling was created by the congress to keep government spending in check, but never bothered to tell the Constitution, which grants the President the right to pay US debts without any kind of congressional approval. The Constitution is a bitch and no one likes to tell it anything.
12.) The Democrats have a nuanced and reasonable plan for out-of-control government spending: STFU.
13.) The US government needs to pay its bills, just like you do. Except that when you print your own money, it's called "counterfeiting" and it's illegal. When the government does it, it's called "economic policy."
14.) My Granddad use to pull quarters out of my ear. I loved that magic trick. He’d distract me with one hand, hide the quarter in the other, and make it seem like he could just pluck silver out of my head. I don’t know about you, but the “debt ceiling” is beginning to look a lot like my Granddads hand, but I don’t think I’m going to be getting a quarter.
15.) If the debt ceiling isn't raised, and the economy doesn't tank, then I'm going to feel pretty dumb for buying these twin mini-crossbows off of the Internet. I'll also feel dumb for investing in bags of gold teeth. Crossbows and gold teeth were my post-apocalypse strategy.