You know what dogs really need? A bowl of dog food that makes its own gravy. A tennis ball to slobber on. Some shots to keep the worms away. But most of all, the one thing dogs need is constant love.
You know what dogs don't need? Everything on this list of dumb luxury items for your pooch.
Yes, all of these ridiculous bowwow baubles are real. And yes, all of these canine luxuries will be used as fodder to incite the coming revolution. Dogs are not fashion accessories, and if you're decking Fido out in frivolous finery, then you are dumb. Also: you're either rich or bellybutton-deep in credit card debt. But mostly dumb.
1.) La Jeune Tulipe Diamond Dog Collar
Diamonds are forever, which is why it is essential that your pet is outfitted in $150,000 worth of forever. It’s perfect for showing off at the dog park… and later getting mugged at the very same park.
Price: $150,000
2.) Neuticles
Just because your best friend lost his two best friends doesn’t mean he can’t strut through the dog park with pride… thanks to testicle implants. That’s right. Testicle implants. For dogs. Made from FDA-grade silicone, just like what the movie stars use! They’re available in sizes ranging from petite to X-Large (with the option to customize them to XXX-Large). And, to use their term it’s like nothing ever changed.
Price: Up to $599, though custom sizes are available!
A favorite with celebutants and other self-aware types, this Louis Vuitton carrier is perfect for toting around your most precious possession – your tiny, inbred teacup terrier. LV, as those in the know like to call it, makes a special effort to point out that this pet carrier is both water and scratch-resistant… Because, like diamonds, urine stains are forever.
Price: $2490
4.) Rainbow or Natural Feather Hair Extensions For Your Dog
Is this fad over yet? No? Well, now you can show off to the world that your dog has terrible taste in hair weaves too.
Price: $25
5.) The Earl Station Aspen Dog House
Jesus, just let the little guy inside. It’s raining. You can steam clean your Persian rugs later.
Price: $3092.95 (with optional climate control and canine cooler)
6.) Dog Mink Coat
Though most dogs have beautiful coats of their own, it is sometimes necessary to dress them up for especially cold days. And thankfully someone has finally realized that some dogs deserve more than a fleece jacket.
Price: $45
7.) Cabana Carousel Canopy Dog Bed
Is your little puppy a princess? Is she? I bet she is! And where do little princesses sleep? Why a canopied gold dog bed, of course. Show off your little rat and your excellent taste in animal furniture with this needed addition to your home.
Price: $1999 (Available in gold and white fabric)
8.) Emma Rose Formal Dog Dress
I guess if you’re going to bring your dog to formal occasions, she really should have the proper attire – I mean what would people think? Created by a bridal designer, this gown is perfect for weddings, afternoon brunches or lying around on a GOLD CANOPY BED.
Price: $189
9.) Dog Bridal Gown
If the gold gown was nice but not wedding-appropriate, may we suggest this monstrosity? Just make sure that it’s your dog getting married, because it is rather déclassé to upstage the bride by wearing white on her big day.
Price: $125
10.) Puppy Leg Warmers
Let’s be honest… you don’t want your bitch to look fat in those gowns you’re buying her. Nor do you want her legs to get cold when doing Jazzercize or jogging in the park. This just a solid, sound investment in animal apparel.
Price: $25.00
Lizz Westman lives in Portland with her adopted beagle-lab mix, Oliver. Oliver recently got a $19 carpet from IKEA so that he can rest comfortably while she writes content for TruTV.
