Sharks are the vampire ninjas of the ocean. They are sleek! They are silent! They are deadly! Sharks make everything better. Tattoo of a shark on your chest? Cool. They called you “Shark” in prison? Super cool. You were attacked by a shark while surfing and that’s why you walk with a limp? Epically boss.
Great White? Hammerhead? Whale shark? What’s my favorite shark? Why don’t you ask me what is my favorite kind of chocolate cake? All of them.
I’ve loved sharks since I was a kid. My miniature Schnauzer dog was named “Shark.” I use to love going to the aquarium, or as I called it, “Shark Church.” Growing up, Shark Week was just never enough. I use to spend my Saturday afternoons staring into the mirror, practicing the empty, uncaring stare of a shark. If only I had dead, inky-black eyes!
Here are some of my favorite shark facts. I memorized them years ago. I wanted other shark freaks to know as much about Sharkum Radus as I do.
1. The Whale Shark can weigh as much as 18,000 piranhas!
2. The ancestors of sharks lived 400 million years ago, 200 million years before dinosaurs. This means that while the dinosaurs were ruling the Earth, roaring and then dying out like the pathetic, overrated geckos they were, the shark just chilled.
3. Sharks can swim up to 40MPH. The average Segway dork chariot can reach speeds up to 13MPH. But it doesn’t matter: if your Segway flies off a pier or a deck, you’re screwed. Segways don’t float and the average human can only swim 3MPH.
4. If DC comics superhero Aquaman rode a shark instead of a pink seahorse, the character would be 1000% more popular.
5. Shark skeletons are made out of EARS.
6. Sharks are “apex predators,” which are predators that have no predators of their own, save for man. The other fish in the ocean talk about the shark behind its back. “He’s a dick,” they say. But sharks are all “Whatever.”
7. Jaws is a really sad movie.
8. There are, on average, 60 shark attacks reported a year. Very few are fatal. 70 million sharks are caught and killed a year. So who sucks more?
9. Shark leather can be made into a thong that is four times stronger than cowhide.
10. Dolphins are sharks who like to watch Glee. Also: dolphins are mammals, like rats. Sharks are sharks.
11. Sharks have an amazing sense of smell. They can smell blood in the water from up to a mile away. I bet blood in the water smells like bacon in my skillet to a shark.
12. The average shark has up to 4,000 teeth. One of those teeth can frequently be found hanging around the necks of fans of Dave Matthews Band.
13. Strange things have been found inside of a shark’s stomach like suits of armor, bottles of wine and even torpedoes! Legend has it that pirate’s gold was once found in a shark’s stomach. But don’t go be getting any ideas. Ghost sharks exist.
14. Eating a bowl of sharks fin soup does not give you the power of a shark. It does give you the power of a doucheberry. In order to make sharks fin soup, sharks are “finned,” which means their fins are cut off and the rest of the shark is tossed back into the sea.
15. Barracudas are jealous of sharks.