A 68-year-old Florida man has been charged with battery after assaulting a beach-goer with his swim noodle.

When I go to soak up some rays at the public beach I fully expect that some sand will be kicked in my face or that some annoying kids will splash me. Well, America, there's a new threat to watch out for while you're working on your tan lines. Beware of the water noodle, one of those flexible foam tubes that help humans float.

Karl Ludwig Eichner (pictured) had completely sound reasoning for dumping water on a woman's head with his swim noodle and attacking her. According to the police report, the tiff was over a rotten watermelon that was sitting on the beach.

Well then, now that everything's clear as mud let's move on.

Apparently Eichner had become territorial over an abandoned watermelon that had a face carved into it. Whether this fermenting piece of garbage-art left alone on the beach was carved by him or someone else remains unclear. Does it really matter, though? You can tell this story is going from 0 to weird in about 30 seconds.

A woman who was nearby threw the rotting watermelon into the water so that it wouldn't attract flies.

Eichner then retrieved the melon head and placed it back on the sand.

Then the woman put it back in the water.

Eichner then again picked up the…JUST KIDDING. He filled up a swim noodle with water, doused the woman and then punched her in the face.

Way to use the wrong noodle, you dumb jerk.

Man attacked woman with swim noodle

[upi.com]

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