Before we start here, I have a few questions for the fellas:
1) Do you currently smell smoke?
2) Is it coming from your crotch area?
If you answered "yes" to these questions, you may be suffering from an ailment that recently struck 42-year-old Florida resident Andrew Williams: your penis and testicle region might be ON FIRE.
We'll tell you the whole story, but first, it's crucial that you PUT THE FIRE OUT. The best way to do this is the traditional stop, drop and roll technique, accompanied by frantically slapping and hitting yourself in the testicles until the flames subside. We know, it's not pleasant, but we're staring down the barrel of two less than ideal outcomes, so bear with us, here.
If the fire is out, and/or you answered "no" to the above two questions, here's the rest of Williams' horrible story, along with some helpful tips to insure this never happens to you.
29-year old Victoria Bynes (pictured) was arrested last Saturday after police said she poured gasoline on the genitals of her boyfriend, 42-year-old Andrew Williams, and set him on fire.
Seeing as this is a pending investigation, and I don't want to unfairly assert that Victoria is guilty of a crime that she has not yet been convicted of, I'll only go so far as to say that I speak for all the male writers here at Dumb As A Blog when I say I would hate it if my girlfriend set my balls on fire. And if that were to happen, God forbid, I can't even imagine what my wife would do. Here are five safety tips for men to keep their genital region flame-free:
5) Don't cheat on your girlfriend
We can't say for sure that Mr. Williams cheated on Ms. Bynes. Maybe she simply saw a large tick on his crotch and decided to KILL IT WITH FIRE. This is unlikely. Don't cheat on your girlfriend.
4) Keep your pubic region free of combustible items, oily rags and kindling
As Smokey the Bear says, a single spark can kill.
3) If you engage in an activity that causes the woman you are dating to say "do that again, and I'll set your d*%# on fire," do NOT repeat that activity
Actually, if you ever hear your girlfriend say that, it might be best to break up with her. Over the phone, ideally.
2) In California, they advise that one way to minimize the damage of wildfires to your home and property is to keep the grass on your lawn trimmed to no longer than two inches
I think you know what I'm saying here, fellas. Keep it neat.
1) When engaging in sexual activity, stay clear of petroleum-based lubricants
You can never be too careful. Any industrial brand of spermicidal room temperature vulcanizing (RTV) silicone foam should do nicely. And don't smoke after sex. You know, unless it was REALLY good sex.
Be safe out there!