If you could, you would make-out with your computer. If your PC’s USB port was a giant pair of quivering lips that could respond to a kiss, you’d look both ways and pucker up. Go ahead and admit it. You’re in a safe place.
The University of Electro-Communications in Tokyo, Japan, are developing a way for two people to kiss over the Internet. The invention is, basically, a pair of mechanical tongues connected by the Internet.
The technology employs motion-sensitive tubes that one manipulates with the tongue. Those movements are instantaneously recorded and that data is transmitted to another “kiss transmission device.” So a computer nerd twirls a plastic proboscis in Tokyo with his tongue and an imaginary girlfriend in Seattle feels that movement and reciprocates.
Science-fiction movies never told you: in the post-apocalyptic future, our robot masters will suck face.
The researchers hope, one day, to upgrade what is still a relatively simplistic invention. Their plan is to eventually replicate the sensation of taste and the tactile experiences of breathing and saliva. This means, theoretically, you could one day make out with a mouth that tastes like a bacon cheeseburger. Or, even better, mouths that don’t drool or spray out synthetic salvia like a garden hose.
The “kiss transmission device” could mean that soldiers stationed in faraway countries could share a moment of simulated physical intimacy with a loved one. The psychological benefits of being able to approximate human connection could be staggering to individuals who must endure long stretches of isolation. Imagine an astronaut on a long voyage to Mars being able to pretend he was at home with a lover while hurtling through space in a metal rocket. A kiss is one of the most important forms of human communication. A kiss is like a single word that can mean a hundred different things.
But pretty much, this device will first be used by every single person reading this, and then, later, only by perverts. There will be huge “kiss transmission device” chat-style rooms full of nothing but 17-year-old girls asking to make out virtually. “Do you want to Instant Snog? LOL.” Every single one of those 17-year-olds will be a middle-aged man with an overbite and hairy ears.
Before this technology trickles down to the sexual scavengers, most adults are going to give it a whirl. This is an absolute fact. You might be thinking “Hell no. I won’t erotically lick my toaster.” But you will. I give it six months once this device becomes wildly available before sets start to disappear off of shelves. Then humanity will get weird. Again.
Curtains across the country will close. Robo-yaps will be unpacked and plugged in. Websites like “KissRoulette” will spring up and we’ll all start making out with each other.
You scoff, but curiosity will win in the end. Grounded teenagers will share their creepy gizmos. The unemployed will sell their mouths for money. Your significant other will come home early from a business dinner and discover you sitting on the side of the bed, in the dark. Your spouse will hear buzzing and slurping, then flip on the light and gag at the sight of you planting wet ones all over what looks like an electric pencil sharpener.
Were you cheating? If you have to ask, you probably were. Who were you kissing? An old flame? Probably someone you met online, a hot chick or hunky dude, both of which happen to be a bald man named Charles with greasy palms. You’ll sleep on the couch while the love of your life seethes in the bedroom, half-angry, half-wondering what it would be like to French-kiss The Terminator.
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