The royal wedding is dumb for two reasons. One: weddings are dumb. They’re just tacky dress rehearsals for funerals. The second reason the royal wedding is dumb is because America's forefathers, like George Washington and Uncle Sam and Jesus, didn’t fight a war against snotty ol’ England so that hundreds of years later we would toast their creepy monarchy.
I won’t be celebrating the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton because I’m an American, and the only reason an American bows their head is if they accidentally squirted mustard all over their floral Hawaiian shirt.
The royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton is big news on that magical island of character actors known as “England.” For Americans to understand why the marriage of William and Kate is important in England, imagine Charlie Sheen marrying Lindsay Lohan. The royal wedding says a lot about the United Kingdom. Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan getting hitched would be like the tornado and the trailer park saying vows and, likewise, would say much about America.
The United States and the United Kingdom have a “special relationship.” We both love killing Nazis, the rock ballads of Sir Elton John and beer. But that’s about all we have in common, really. We both speak the same language, too, even if the British speak and spell it funny. But in England, some people are born special. In America, everyone is born special, but some win the sick celebrity lottery and become special-er. It’s not like America doesn’t have a class system, we just don’t pay taxes to maintain it. In fact, we cut taxes to maintain it.
A Char-Lo wedding would infect America like an STD. We would spazz out. The only other wedding that could be as important would be if Burger King and Dairy Queen tied the knot, and only because their offspring would be some kind of milkshake burger.
If these two attention leeches ever joined their trash dynasties in unholy matrimony, this country would lose its mind. The media would bump news about falling stocks and bombs to cover whether or not the media should be covering the wedding between two terrible human beings.
The public would shrug and complain and yet eagerly consume every slice of wedding information they could, like a fat kid at a cake buffet who’s eaten too much cake, but can’t seem to tell his mouth to stop eating cake.
The “wedding of the apocalypse” would captivate a country that loves a car crash almost as much being given a new car by a talk show host.
Royalty and celebrity aren’t really so different. In a way, royals are just ugly celebrities and celebrities are just royals who vomit champagne foam in public. But there are differences between Britoids and their Yank cousins, and those differences are profound. For instance: Americans have a right to pursue happiness. The English have the right to look down on anyone else not lucky enough to have been born English. I’d like to point out right here that to Americans, you’re all English. Canadians are Snow English. Australians are Cowboy English.
Prince William is the product of 1,000 years of breeding between tribes of lunatics. Charlie Sheen is a graceless dimwit who reads other people's words and pretends he came up with them. Kate is a nice girl next door. Lindsay is a girl next door who might or might not have a meth lab in the basement. The Prince and his almost Princess are as British as dry, dry toast and a proper cup of tea. Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are what happen when a society has no time for shame and prizes the ambition of locusts. The British monarchy is proof that God picks favorites. American celebrity is proof that God is, at best, asleep at the celestial wheel, or worst, dead.
But Americans love to eat their famous. The British Royal Family learned, a long time ago, to just build castles.
I sincerely wish William and Kate the best, and will prove that sentiment by never caring about their lives ever again.
The opinions expressed here are those solely of the author, John DeVore.
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