Ever since I was a kid, I loved 3D movies, even though I rarely got to see them. This was usually because back in the 1980's they were either gimmicky trash, like "Comin' At Ya!" or the third installment of a scary horror series that my parents wouldn't let me see.
But as a teenager, I was lucky enough to catch a 3D revival of Vincent Price in House of Wax, as well as, the amazing Motion Odyssey Movie, or MOM, at Jordan's Furniture in Avon Massachusetts, which is, to my knowledge, the only furniture store in the United States that features a 3D IMAX movie theater with smoke, laser lights, and mechanized moving chairs that spray water on you. Today, the 3D craze is back with a vengeance, so shouldn't I be overjoyed? I guess so, but every bright cloud has a stupid lining, ( I think that's how that saying goes) and here are five of the dumbest things about it:
#1. Avatar wasn't that good
I understand that James Cameron's 3D epic made a cosmic buttload of money, and it looked gorgeous. As I tweeted back at the time, it was a lock for the Academy Award for "Best Ferns." But as a movie, it just wasn't that interesting. If a movie is going to change an industry, and dictate how future films are made, shouldn't it be better than a crummy rehash of Dances With Wolves?
#2. People Are Getting Bored With With The Gimmick
A new animated movie called "Mars Needs Moms" just came out in 3D, based on a book by Berkely Breathed, the comedy legend who gave the world Bloom County. And it bombed. Big time. Who knows, maybe it wasn't that good to begin with, but the fact is, when it seems 5 new 3D films come out every month, the thrilling appeal of it wanes. Maybe Hollywood should release a 3D animated version of "The Goose That Laid The Golden Eggs."
#3.George Lucas is re-releasing the Star Wars movies in 3D.
If there ever was a canary in the coal mine that a certain special effects trope has officially been played out and ruined, it's safe to say that George Lucas using it in another remake of his Star Wars movies is that dead bird. And no, this isn't a rumor. Phantom Menace in 3D comes out February, 2012. Ugh.
#4. 3D films are drifting away from exploitation
For my money, simply seeing something pop off the screen isn't as important as WHAT pops off the screen, and while it seems there's a new 3D kids film, or PG action film like Clash of the Titans every week, the exploitation films seem few and far between. Far be it from me to assume what you want to see in three dimensions, but 2009's My Bloody Valentine featured a five and half minute long 3D chase scene that started with a completely naked woman and ended with a little person getting smashed through a ceiling. I'm not saying I approve of trash like that, but if you are in the market for that kind of entertainment, there is an added value in seeing it 3D, as opposed to say- Alvin and the Chipmunks singing 'Single Ladies."
Oh, who am I kidding? I TOTALLY approve of trash like that.
#5. 3D films COST more now.
It's one thing to have so many films in 3D that the gimmick gets old, or to water down the content so much that the films fail to even titillate, much less entertain. But you certainly can't do both of those things, and then also charge four bucks more at the box office. If they continue to do that, they may even lose me, one of the biggest 3D fans on the planet. You know, until they re-release Siegfried and Roy: The Magic Box, that is.
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