Who doesn't love a nice grilled steak, cooked up outside over a blazing charcoal grill, with friends and family milling around? Heck, even the smell of charcoal alone signifies the coming of summer, and there's nothing dumb about that, right?
Here are the Five Dumbest Things About Outdoor Grilling:
#1. Buying a grill
There was a time in this land when a simple Weber grill and a bag of charcoal would suffice, or if you wanted to go even smaller, you could get the tiny little flat grill my parents used to call a "Habachi." Now you have these massive units with rotisseries, side griddles, multiple burners, and built in meat thermometers that connect to the internet and contact your iPhone the second the internal temperature of your pork loin reaches 160 degrees. OK, I made that last one up. But if I hadn't, would it really surprise you? Here's a tip, if you need all those gadgets for your grill, JUST GO COOK IT INSIDE.
#2. All the other STUFF you can buy
If there's one thing more exhausting than purchasing a grill, it's navigating the massive industry that has sprung up to provide accessories for it. You know what I need when I'm grilling? A grill scraper, a long fork, a fireproof flipper, and a hot mitt. If it's dark, a flashlight would be nice. Now can we cool it with all the flavor injectors, branding irons, vegetable baskets, grilling platters and other useless garbage? I'm talking to you, Corn Master.
Yes, you CAN cook vegetables on an outdoor grill, but you also CAN teach a cat to sing Happy Birthday. Neither are advisable.
#4. Grill "Experts"
If there's one thing worse than having obnoxious family members over at the cookout, it's the inevitable know-it-alls who have to stand over your shoulder and start throwing around phrases like "maximize your cooking area," "hot zones," "avoiding flare-ups" or "indirect heat." These morons can spout all the grilling terms they want, but we know the truth: they're just apes like the rest of us who like to poke fire with sticks. At least some of us are honest about it.
#5.It's a Culinary Gateway Drug
Some people say that marijuana may not be that bad, but it encourages its users to try harder, more dangerous drugs. I don't know if that's true, but I do know that a touch of success with a grill can breed innumerable ambitious, stupid, and expensive outdoor cooking adventures. You know that guy who blew $6K building an outdoor pizza oven in his back yard he uses twice a year? He started on a grill. How about the moron who melted his foot off making deep fried turkey in a recycled beer keg? He definitely once owned an "Attitude Apron." So enjoy your grilling this year, but let's try to keep things simple, OK?
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