There is an ancient philosophical question that goes: what came first, French fries or ketchup? This culinary quandary might be unanswerable to some, but not to me. The answer is simple: ketchup. French fries are just vehicles invented to transport that salty, tomato goop from the plate to my face. If aliens invaded earth tomorrow for our most delicious resources and all of the planet’s condiments suddenly disappeared, then my diet would suddenly be reduced to cereal and beef jerky, the only two foods I can think of that don’t require some kind of condiment.

Eating a hot dog without yellow mustard is like listening to rap with the bass turned all the way down. The word “mayonnaise” comes from a Latin word that means “this crap tastes great on roast beef sandwiches.” Pork fried rice and soy sauce go together like Optimus Prime and Mack trucks. My fridge is nothing but ketchup, yellow mustard, mayo and a small forest of hot sauces, including the triumvirate of Tabasco, Frank’s Red Hot, and Louisiana Hot Sauce. I put hot sauce on nearly everything, because I have dragon guts. 

But the greatest condiment of them all is Sriracha, the Thai hot sauce that is what happens when lava and lightening make sweet love. It is a magnificent hot sauce that makes every food it is squirted on 1000% better. With Sriracha, pizza is transformed into a playful pimp slap to the mouth. Cup O’ Noodles are likewise turned into Cup O’ Fireworks.  Mixing Sriracha with ketchup magically makes an ordinary hamburger into a DAMNburger. 

You know that movie “127 Hours” about that hiker who had to cut his own arm off? If I were in that situation, my arm pinned under a rock, all I would need is a bottle of Sriracha and I’d gladly gnaw through my own flesh lickety-split. 

But not all condiments are created equal. There are some that are not only banned from my refrigerator, but should be banned from tables all across the world. These condiments are, for the most part, gross. Each one is inferior not only to Sriracha, but ketchup, yellow mustard and mayonnaise. These five pathetic excuses for condiments are, in a word, dumb. If you don’t get rid of them now, I’ll never come over to your house and eat all your food. 

Grey Poupon In the 80’s, this Dijon mustard is a supposedly fancy alternative to plain old mustard that was marketed to, according to the commercial, people who live in their cars. The jar even claimed the hoity-toity condiment was made with white wine, a selling point to lonely housewives and hobos. Grey Poupon is just emasculated mustard.

Miracle Whip Nothing should taste “tangy.” Sweet? Sure. Spicy? Definitely, but “tangy” sort of means “too sweet” and “not spicy enough,” or the worst of both worlds. This is why Miracle Whip is such a monumental failure of a condiment. The only “miracle” in this jar of ruined mayonnaise is that someone, somewhere, buys it.  

Relish Besides looking like leprechaun tartar, relish is as pointless as that sprig of parsley they put on your plate at Red Lobster. But, of course, relish isn’t just for color. There is also that overwhelming taste of sweet pickles that makes most food taste like Christmas barf. 

Steak sauce The only time you really  need steak sauce is when you’re grilling a boot. Because if you actually have a steak, even a mediocre cut of meat, why would you drown it in this thin, sweet and smoky liquid? Steak sauce is for people who don’t have steak. 

Duck Sauce Maybe if actual ducks went into making this sticky sweet slime I’d like it more. But, sadly, no mallards were harmed in the making of this terrible Molasses-like gak. You really have to be quackers to put it on anything. Why don’t you just smother all of your food in corn syrup? 

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