Hey look, it’s a video of Bigfoot walking across the street! Lookit! This is incontrovertible proof that Bigfoot is real and wandering the forests of the world searching for pic-a-nic baskets. Video doesn’t lie. There is one problem, though. Actually, two and the first is that this video isn’t of Bigfoot. It’s just some dude wearing a shag carpet. The second problem with this purported video of Bigfoot is that Bigfoot doesn’t exist.
I hate to break the news to you, if in fact you are one of the many people who believe that various mountain ranges around the world are populated with gigantic gorilla men. If you are one of those special individuals who think these legendary monsters are real, I have some really bad news concerning Santa Claus, Zorro and Mayor McCheese. They’re not real, either.
If you’re a crypto-zoologist, which is someone who searches for animals who have yet to be discovered, I’ve got some even more unfortunate news. You’re not really a scientist, because crypto-zoology isn’t really a science. Because there’s no such thing as Bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster or Chupacabras, which I’m fairly certain is Spanish for “Americans will believe anything.”
This must be hard to read, but you’ll get over it.
Just because you put “ology” at the end of a word, even if that word is derived from ancient, sexy Latin doesn’t make it a science. In fact, in Russia, a university research institute has just been set up study the Yeti, the Russian-version of the Abominable Snowman. Apparently there have been a dozen or so sightings of the totally make believe monster in Siberia. The scientist heading this ridiculous institute had an expedition to remote Siberia to follow up on these sightings and claims that it’s not what it actually is — a publicity stunt. This egghead firmly believes what locals believe, which is that Siberia is positively infested with Yeti, who, according to locals, is snacking on livestock. According to Russian scientist Igor Curtsey, there could be up to thirty Yetis.
There is no such thing as a bear with opposable thumbs. The only Neanderthals who survived the Ice Age are eating nachos at sports bars because the wife is watching Glee. Call it whatever you want: Bigfoot, Yeti, Sasquatch, or Douglas. But I call this “Bigfoot” business for what it is: a prank on dumb people. You know, once, as very little kid, I believed in Bigfoot until I realized that Bigfoot was a homeless guy who lived in the woods near the house I grew up in. But hey, I was a kid. Now I’m an adult. Look, if mermaids existed, I’m fairly sure that I would have had a piece of sashimi made from one by now.
Science requires evidence and there is no evidence of the existence of Bigfoot. Almost every video or footprint of the creature has been proven to be fake, either a practical joke or a lame attempt to lure tourists to the middle of effing nowhere. Bigfoot is a giant joke. I even have a measure of sympathy for these bored hillbillies. It must be tedious sitting on a porch all day, strummin’ a banjo with your feet. Why not entertain yourself by tricking gullible nimrods into believing that somewhere yonder is a that feller Chewbacca from the Star Wars movies.
Those bespectacled nerds who believe in real world monsters usually seem like they’re educated. So they deserve to have the wool, or the man-beast pelt, pulled over their eyes. These lovers of all things supernatural don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with reality, so they retreat into a crazybird realm of supernatural possibilities. Cryptozoologists are as goofy as parapsychologists, psuedo-scientists who study, well, ghosts. Casper-ologists! They can’t deal with the fact that when you’re dead, you’re dead. You don’t come back as a ghost. Ghosts aren’t real. If they were, don’t you think they’d want you to know they’re there? If, for whatever reason, you resisted the pull of a theoretical afterlife and insisted on floating through the world of the living, wouldn’t you want to be all “Hey. Hey, guys. Heyyyyy. Hey. Over here. Hey.”
These folk myths are oftentimes metaphors for local hopes and fears. For the life of me, I have no idea what Bigfoot could represent to those desperate to believe in him. Who knows, maybe hundreds of years ago, Bigfoot was how you explained to little children why there was a hairy, naked man running around the backyard. It wasn’t daddy, little frontier tyke, it was… eeeeh… Bigfoot.
If Bigfoot were real, someone, somewhere, would have a Bigfoot skin rug. It is as simple as that. There is no hidden world. Man’s rational mind has the ability to cast candlelight into shadowy corners to find out if any truth hides in the dark. There are no Bigfoots or Bigfeet or whatever lurking in the bushes. Just a runaway imagination that needs a nap.
All the dumb that's fit to blog! Follow us on Twitter.