Monkeys are not our friends.
Sure, they’re cute and furry. Dress a monkey up like a butler and they look just like adorable little people! But the truth is far more terrifying: monkeys are disease-ridden monsters quietly biding their time until they can take over the planet. Haven’t any of you seen that documentary Planet of the Apes?
These animals should not be pets. They should be left in the wild. Personally, I think all monkeys, chimps, apes and gorillas, should be rounded up and moved to one secure location. Monkey Island will be off-limits. This is the only way humanity can ever be truly safe.
According to authorities, a Virginia-woman recently arrived at a country courthouse with a baby marmoset monkey tucked into her bra.
This terrorist-sympathizer actually made it through security with the monkey before court officials discovered the stowaway. Officials claim she was at the courthouse to fill out “routine paperwork.” During this process, she kept referring to “daughter.” That is when, according to authorities, she pulled the monkey out from her cleavage.
When shocked courthouse workers asked why she had brought the monkey, named Cara, the woman responded “would you leave your child at home?”
The woman has not been charged with a crime, yet. When asked how the monkey made it through security, a deputy said “It wasn’t armed.” I'm so glad he can laugh at such a close call.
Perhaps this deputy was in on the plot.
Maybe this woman isn’t a disabled animal lover who also counts keeps a gecko, garter snake, and three Chihuahua as pets. This could just be a sinister cover. She might be a simian sympathizer. This infant monkey “Cara” could be some sort of cuddly spy working for smart apes looking to destabilize mankind.
Let’s not forget all of the diseases that monkeys can carry, diseases like ebola, tuberculosis and DEATH.
The Department of Homeland Security should investigate this security breach as soon as possible.
In the meantime, we should pass laws that make owning these distant and hostile cousins of humanity illegal.
Monkeys are not pets. They are dangerous banana-junkies throbbing with plagues too numerous to count. These living biological weapons should not be bought or sold. Let them stay in the jungle.
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