Dumb Idea is a recurring feature in which we put forth an idea so entirely dumb that it JUST MIGHT WORK. Or barring that, it at least gives us the weekend to get out of town. That being said…
Hey! Let's all start smoking again!
Remember back when it was OK to smoke in America? In the good old days before lady-boys started lighting up electronic cigarettes that look like what C3PO would puff, were he a manly robot like RoboCop?
Back then, cigarettes in cities cost less than $45 a pack, you could strike up a conversation in a bar by asking a pretty girl for a light, and the only mass killer from the Arab world that anybody worried about was that cartoon camel we blamed for giving cancer to kids?
Those were the good old days, and I say we all start smoking again.
In the 1990's, this country lived through an almost unprecedented period of peace and prosperity as the country adjusted to it's role as sole superpower after the collapse of the Soviet Union. The innovation of the Internet fueled a massive economic bubble, America was not at war, had a little dough in her pockets, and was fixin' to pick a fight.
That fight was against cigarettes.
A massive grassroots effort and legislative campaign gained steam around the country to directly challenge decades of lying by big tobacco, who had falsely claimed that cigarettes weren't a health risk, weren't addictive, didn't have artificially inflated nicotine levels, and were actually made of delicious, healthy vitamin C. While these tobacco executives certainly deserved to get slapped down, the arguments of the other side seemed based upon the idea that anyone who ever picked up a cigarette had NO IDEA they weren't good for you!
Also, not to put too fine a point on it, but once a vast swath of this country quit smoking, a lot of the same "good heath via legislation" types began complaining that this country was getting too fat, so it was time to regulate food, sugar and salt. Well guess what, morons, when you quit smoking, you eat more, you get fatter. I say, pick your poison.
It's 2011, now. Americans know the risks of smoking, anybody who decides to take a puff in the 21st century should probably look at their family medical history and make an educated decision. For pete's sake, our President smokes! I guess what I'm saying here is:
Hey! Let's all start smoking again!
Of course, you don't HAVE to smoke, but let's just ease up on some of the restrictions, kay? I'm not saying we go back to the days of smoking in movie theaters, but maybe we clear the way for a smoking section at a major league baseball game. You know, those sporting events that take place outside? Or howabout we cool it on the whole "banning cigarettes in parks" thing. Or, heaven forbid, we let bars and restaurants decide for themselves if they want to be smoke free. And smokers, you guys need to be a little cooler too. If somebody says "Excuse me, your smoke is bothering me," maybe say "Oh, I'm sorry, I'll put it out or move downwind," not "THIS IS AMERICA, YOU LIBTARD! I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!"
But no matter what you do, can we agree that these ridiculous new "e-cigarettes" be crushed under our collective heels? If you haven't seen them, they are little plastic battery operated tubes that deliver nicotene smokelessly, and look really cool when you're "smoking" them, if you're the kind of person who defines cool as "pathetically sucking on a whirring blue tube to keep your demons at bay."
If you feel the need to slurp away on a weird robot nicotine tube, just go ahead and smoke. Aren't we grown up enough to make our own decisions?
In closing, Hey! Let's all start smoking again!
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