Cathy Cruz Marrero, the woman caught on surveillance camera falling into a mall fountain while texting, is also fumbling her 15 minutes.
I feel bad for her not taking full advantage of her fleeting fame, so I'm kindly offering up nine ways for her to milk her sudden notoriety. That's right: nine genius suggestions that will help her maximize this magic moment.
1. She threatened legal action against the shopping center, which was totally fun, but now her lawyer says all she wants is an apology. Boring! Step it up a notch, lady. Tell them you are going to sue for $10 million dollars. Say the mall should have had a recorded loop warning texters there is a water hazard in front of them and lifeguards on duty. Make that mall squirm.
2. Claim the whole thing is actually a viral ad. Companies are always fooling people with too good to be true videos that turn out to be nothing more than a ploy to grab your eyeballs for a nanosecond. Name your company. Make it a big one like Microsoft or Apple. And then thanks to your dumbgenuity, they might even send you a chack.
3. She was discovered to have had a criminal record and identity theft charges are still pending against her. This is not the time to fade into the background about something embarrassing in your background check. Go out, break into a home and snort some Great Dane ashes. Or why not become a spokesperson for dumb criminals? Sounds crazy but it worked for Leif Garrett, Todd Bridges, Tonya Harding to name a few.
4. Run for office. People hate politicians and therefore love gag candidates. Announce you are running for mayor of the town and are going to fill all fountains with packing peanuts to protect your fellow citizens. The only downside is that you might very well win.
5. Contact the people behind Fashion Week and offer yourself up as an outerwear model who will make a real splash by taking a header into a kiddie pool at the end of the runway.
6. Find the security guard who was fired for posting the video and try to make comedy gold. Maybe star and director found each other in an odd way, but it would be a shame if this partnership didn't at least try to make movie magic.
7. She's 49 and looks pretty good. Maybe her next vehicle should be Wet & Wild TeXXXtcapdes 2.
8. Announce America just isn't ready to handle a strong Latina woman. May work on certain NPR listeners and J-Lo fans.
9. Since reports say she will likely face house arrest, make hay of this. Offer to make home mishap videos for the highest bidder. From falling into the bathtub to hitting yourself in the head with a hammer trying to remove your monitoring anklet, people will pay for this stuff. And if they don't, well, you can always swipe their credit cards.