The conference championship games in the NFL are coming up this weekend, and two weeks later is Super Bowl Sunday. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL PARTIES?
Sure you are, because even if you don't like football, the gatherings associated to watch big games have become National festivals of gluttony. Expect mountains of nachos, huge bowls of chili, overflowing buckets of buffalo wings and gallons of beer and soda. But if those staples are already being provided, what should you bring?
Here are 15 things you shouldn't bring. You know, unless you want to look like a moron.
15) Homemade Creme Brulee
If you're getting ready to watch some football, that's no time to brag about your "mad skillz with a dessert torch."
14) Generic Breakfast Cereal
Bringing breakfast cereal is a punk move to begin with, but walking in the door with that bag of "Fruity Hoops" is just going to get you punched in the face.
13) Lion Tacos
Yes, tacos made out of lion meat are real, and also totally inappropriate for, really any social gathering. EXCEPTION: If the team you're rooting for is playing Detroit.
12) Piles of Arugula
Veggies of any kind are questionable at a party like this, but arugula is never OK. And definitely not in piles. If you have to bring it, put in a bowl or something. A pile is just unsanitary.
11) Cadbury Creme Eggs
This wretched seasonal candy is only available in March and April, and football parties are in January, making these disgusting chocolate-coated syrup balls not only inappropriate, but stale.
10) Lasagna with weird stuff in it.
This is a football party, not a book club. If you made Spinach Pumpkin Walnut Lasagna, what you made is not Lasagna. But it in the blender for 20 minutes and serve it as dip. Better yet, throw it away.
9) Plum Pudding.
What is this, 1860? Who are you, Bob Cratchit? It isn't even Christmas time for crying out loud. If you bring a plum pudding to a football party, expect people to be taking it outside for a catch during halftime.
Liver (submitted via twitter.com/truTV by @goochin)
There is only one reason to bring a liver anywhere, and that is if you are an surgeon on your way to a emergency transplant surgery. I know, some people think liver is food. I doubt those people's judgement.
Yep, the old 'chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turkey.' Might have been great once, but Turducken is just way too 2005. Nobody's surprised by it anymore. EXCEPTION: If you can stuff the entire turducken completely inside one of your orifices,and dramatically "produce" it at the party, that might be a big hit. But don't expect anybody to eat any of it.
6) Seven-Hundred-And-Fifty-Thousand Layer Dip.
No need to go overboard. Just the 7 layers should be fine.
5) Thousands of angry bees.
I know, I know, bees sometimes make honey, and that honey, if they produce it COULD be delicious. But that's a lot of variables.Keep the bees at home. EXCEPTION: If you know how to wear the bees as a beard, show up that way. People love a beard of bees.
4) Buffalo Ring Dings
Yes, they rhyme with the popular chicken dish, which is sort of clever. But actually consuming a ring ding dipped in buffalo sauce could cause a rash of projectile vomiting, and ruin the party.
3) Chocolate Fountain
I'm sure you're stunned to see this here. "But the chocolate fountain is awesome" you're thinking. You're right. TOO awesome. You bring a chocolate fountain to a football party, nobody watches football. That's how awesome the chocolate fountain is.
Sounds good, right? Italian? You think it's maybe a pasta shape you haven't heard of? Wrong. It's the split head of a lamb. Brains, eyeballs, the whole thing. EXCEPTION: It's maybe OK if you put a cute football helmet on it.
1) Erotic Birthday Cake
Yes, you CAN get a chocolate layer cake shaped like a giant wang at one of those "naughty" bakeries, but that doesn't mean you should.