When I got an offer to host a local karaoke night at a fairly clean-ish bar I said, “Hot dog! This ought to be a wild ride every night where the song choices are forever unpredictable. Sign me up!”
Oh how I have lived to regret those words and that gig.
No matter where you go or what kind of karaoke bar you find yourself selfishly clutching a song book in, THE SAME SH*T HAPPENS EVERY NIGHT IN EVERY KARAOKE BAR, EVERY TIME. It's like that movie Groundhog Day.
It’s time to get original, folks and that means saying goodbye to songs that make ears bleed and souls die every time a slip is turned in that reads: “Don’t Stop Believin’”. Sorry, but I stopped believin’ that people could pick a decent karaoke song a long time ago.
Some songs need to be silenced, forever. I vote to retire, with extreme prejudice, these played out, detestable karaoke culprits once and for all:
Song:"Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks
Year Released: 1990
Most Offensive Lyric: "Think I'll slip on down to the Oasis," or better known as "OOOOOOOOOASIS!"
Who Performs It: Sloppy drunks. This song rears it's ugly head at a point in the night where once-somber introverts have cried enough tears into their beers and now want to give the bar a wet, boozy hug and kiss via stupid country song.
Song: "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot
Most Offensive Lyric:"I wanna get you home and ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh" which causes mass pelvic thrusts to erupt throughout the bar.
Who Performs It: White people who don't have anacondas in their pants love to showboat their subpar hip-hop skillz and rally everyone to "shake it."
Song: "Love Shack" by the B-52's
Most Offensive Lyric: The entire song because it's way longer and more involved than people realize and they end up butchering an already annoying tune.
Who Performs It: Clusters of insecure people such as office co-workers who break out of their shell after one T.G.I. Friday's Mudslide and can't believe they're being so crazy on a work night.
Song: "Me and Bobby McGee" as performed by Janis Joplin
Most Offensive Lyric: "LordI'mcallingmylovercallingmymanIsaidI'mcallingmy loverjustthebestIcanC'monheynowBobbyyeahheynowBobbyMcGeeyeahLordyLordyLordy LordyLordyLordyLordyLordHeyheyheyBobbyMcGeeLord!"
Who Performs It: Females who often mistake raspy shrieking with singing, or ladies trying to hearken back to a time and place when they had aspirations to be something other than alone on a Saturday night.
Song: "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond
Most Offensive Lyric: The add-on of "Good times never seemed so good. SO GOOD SO GOOD SO GOOD!"
Who Performs It: This song transcends race, gender and socio-economic status to consistently summon the world's biggest attention-starved douche rockets to ham it up with the most played out karaoke jam of all time.
And then there's this fellow who will remain the one exception to my new rule that no one ever sing Sweet Caroline again. Sing away, you gorgeous man. (the song starts after the 1:00 minute mark and boy is it worth it but I highly recommend watching the entire video)