Some scientist at Weil Cornell Medical College in New York City, who is obviously gunning to be known as Dr. Buzzkill, got the bright idea to develop an anti-cocaine vaccine. And apparently, it works. In mice at least. Which is awesome because mice are party animals.
A few years ago in my old rent-controlled West Village pad, the mice were displaced by a loathesome celebrity couple renovating their building, so as soon as the lights went out they were running, scratching and trying to get me to go to the Bungalow 8 bathroom to "ride the rails" with them.
But seriously, researchers say they've found a way to produce antibodies that can strip you of the high cocaine delivers and it is fast-tracked to human trials, which means this crippling addiction will be cured and everyone will rejoice we are all doomed and headed for financial ruin.
Let me explain. If cocaine highs go bye bye, sure, it'll be a boon to women of the world not to be hit on by crazed bankers. But while we ladyflowers will celebrate not having to feign sexual interest in finance types, there will be a consequence much worse than the horror of no more delicious overpriced cocktails being herded onto a Wall Street dude's platinum card.
The lost bev money, lack of tips to bartenders and no more suits taking hasty cab rides to after-hours clubs will trickle down and rock the broader New York City economy. The strippers will have coal in their g-strings and before you know it, as the heady testosterone-coke cocktail ebbs out of their collective systems, the hyperactivity, brazen balls-out boob behavior and delusions of grandeur needed to make our capitalist economy hum will also disappear like a pickletini through a leaky bucket.
Then, while some will puritanically cheer that the illegal snow is a no go, the world economy will crash and we'll all be wearing barrels with suspenders.
And believe me: Aint nobody getting laid wearing that.
So please, let's have some foresight here, people. Be smart: Keep cocaine highs lest we plunge ourselves into the lowest depths of depair.
Image: This guy is a stock model and way better looking than any hopped up banker this dumb reporter has ever seen.