If you haven't seen the abomination phenomenon that is Lights Camera Jackson, get ready to throw up in your mouth a little when you take a gander at America's Number One Kid Critic!
Also, before everybody goes nuts, WE ARE NOT CALLING THIS LITTLE KID DUMB. Whatever the reality behind this uncomfortable circus sideshow actually is, I think we can all agree that it is not the fault of this child. Here's the precocious little film reviewer sporting a pair of Harry Potter glasses for his turn on a British morning show:
What I see is an innocent child, trained to read cue cards, repeating the most trite TV/film-reviewer cliches all while maintaining a carefully groomed "show business smile" that makes me yearn for the quiet dignity of Ernie Anastos.
In fact, I'd ask where this kid's parents were if I wasn't almost completely sure they weren't directly behind the camera, hissing the words: "BIG SMILE, HONEY… YOU CAN'T BE A STAR IF YOU DON'T SHINE!!!" At the very least, Lights Camera Jackson does answer the question, "What would it have looked like if Jon Benet Ramsey's parents had wanted the next Roger Ebert?"
On the other hand, maybe there is something more sinister at play. Don't Jackson's mannerisms seem a little more adult and polished than that of a normal kid? And didn't 84-year-old film critic and mustache afficinado Gene Shalit retire just this month?
And did anybody know that consuming an accursed witches brew under the light of a full moon can allow the elderly to switch bodies with the young, taking their fresh and unspoiled bodies for their own, while banishing the souls of their young victims into the rapidly decaying vessels they once inhabited?
I guess what I'm asking is, has anybody talked to Shalit about this kid?
Cause if they have, I wonder if his official comment might not be: "My name is not Gene Shalit! I am an innocent boy! HELP ME! PLEASE, HELP ME!"
WHOEVER IS BEHIND KID CRITIC LIGHTS CAMERA JACKSON: NOVEMBER 23, 2010's DUMBEST OF THE DAY