Ladies, did you know that you've been going about asking for a raise completely wrong? Thanks to Women's Day and a Summer's Eve full page advertisement they're running in their magazine, we now finally know what to do.
WASH YOUR VAGINA, YOU DINGBATS!
In running order from most important to least, here are some quick tips from Summer's Eve.
Confidence at Work: How to Ask for a Raise
(That there is the real ad, pictured at right — click to enlarge)
1. It should start with your usual routine and all the things you do to feel your best including showering with Summer's Eve Feminine Wash or throwing a packet of Summer's Eve Feminine Cleansing Cloths into your bag for a quick freshness pick-me-up during the day.
No wonder I can't get a raise. I keep going into my job fresh out of the shower, but I now realize my major misstep. I have not been dedicating enough time to scrubbing my vagina until it bleeds petunias. I can't believe anyone even talks to me.
4. Go over your calendar from the past year, look through old files and emails. Jot down a list of all your important contributions and accomplishments.
Oh my god. This is terrible. Now that I think of it, I have contributed nothing other than an unwashed vagina to the work environment.
5. Bring quotes from higher-ups to the meeting such as "Great job on the XXX project! You make me look good!"
Well, I guess my quote would be, "We really nailed that pitch the other day, Bill. If you hadn't distracted eveyone from the smell of my vagina, those investment bankers would have gotten back on the first flight to Tokyo! You make me look good!"
7. Don't let your conversation stray or get personal
Too late. Every day I walk into the office it gets personal for everybody within a 5 cubicle radius of my untoward vaginal unfreshness.
8. Focus on the things you've done to improve the bottom line. Today it's about your worth to the company.
Well, starting today I will improve my bottom line, meaning I am going to call in sick and start power washing my vag. I will ask for a raise next year.
Thanks, Summer's Eve!