Maybe you didn't even know I was gone. Well I was. For eight whole weeks. I wish I could tell you about a very sexy stint in a high-priced rehab, overcoming my addiction to meth and Lucky Charms, but it would be a Frey-esque fiction.
Truth is: I had a baby. Really! Eight weeks ago. See evidence below.
I took this picture myself, and nearly threw out my back doing it. And yeah, I've been on this very blog bitching about idiots who take pics of themselves in the bathroom mirror. But ya gotta admit, using a baby's head to slim the neck and define the chin works wonders…
Speaking of this blog, while I didn't have time to keep a pregnancy diary, when my little girl grows up I can point to this site and say things like, "Yes honey, when your pituitary gland was forming, I was coming up with gags about a guy who allegedly put his marijuana paraphernalia in the security tray at a courthouse." Or, "I didn't crave anything… other than links from the New York Times and scooping other blogs on a hot crack story." And, "Just before you were born, I was so excited that I wrote about the woman who smashes stuff with her boobs and bat fellatio."
Hmmm, maybe I better get cracking on a pregnancy diary. A very simple, tasteful one. Here goes:
Months 1-3: Want to throw up. Can't stay awake. Need to just act natural.
Months 4-6: People are clearly disturbed by how large I am getting. They ain't seen nothing yet!
Months 7-9: Can't breathe, can't eat, can't walk. Scaring people with my size and trying to act natural.
Anywho, I'm glad to be back to the dumb grind. It's not like I ever left because having a kid is kind of dumb, you know, like, if you want to be happy. But yeah, it's also awesome. Or maybe that's the hormones talkin'. Feel free to tell me how adorable the baby is in the comments*.
*Note: Comments that say the baby is not in fact cute will be shredded. Like seriously. I'll print out your comment and shred it. Then pee on it. And then, when the pee dries, I'll set it on fire and sprinkle the ashes in some hideous New Jersey suburb. Just FYI!