Crochet bacon, $5 plus shipping.

From the seller's description:

Because I had white and red yarn to use up and everybody likes bacon.

Crocheted
in single-stitch, pocket bacon generally measures about 6 x 1.5 inches -
but just like bacon snowflakes, every one is unique so yours may vary a
wee bit from the one pictured. I promise it will be equally as dumb.

You can use this as a bookmark but other than that I am at a loss, I mean, you SO TOTALLY need this.

Pocket bacon is perhaps the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

I'm in love.