That’s it. I’ve had it with you insane Beatles fans.

I get it. The Beatles were good. And you liked them. A lot.

Now can you do me a favor and STOP trying to figure out who "the real" Eleanor Rigby was? Good Lord, she’s a fake character in a pop song, not a figure of international mystery. Paul McCartney has fueled the fire by responding to a charity request and sending an old hospital document signed by an "E. Rigby," you know, in lieu of actual cash.

Real nice, Sir Paul.

So, now this stupid thing that may or may not have provided the inspiration for, I admit it, a pretty good song, is going to be auctioned off for an expected $750,000 (!) to benefit a new music therapy center for children with special needs.

I’m all for fans, I’m all for memorabilia, and I’m all for children with special needs being treated with music therapy, but for crying out loud, if you are willing to spend three quarters of a million dollars in the middle of global economic meltdown on a 95-year-old pay stub from a 16-year-old-scullery maid, you are an A-number one, best-of-breed, blue ribbon idiot.

Don’t Beatles fans need to branch out a little? Try a Kinks album. They’re really good, too. I mean, you don’t see Rolling Stones fans paying half a million dollars for something that might or might not have been "Jumpin’ Jack Flash’s Gas-Gas-Gas Bill."

So instead of spending stupid amounts of money gambling over the "true" identity of Eleanor Rigby, who once again, for the record, was a fictional character, never really lived, never really picked up rice in a church after a wedding, and didn’t keep her face in a jar by the door, you know, because those were "things that happened in a pop song" not "things that happened in real life," maybe you could look into a few other stumpers that might be slightly more worth your time:

-Where are the New York Mets going to find a decent relief pitcher?
-When will Jennifer Aniston settle down with a nice guy? 
-Oh yeah, where’d Osama Bin Laden get off to?

Why don’t we tackle those first?