Yes, wooden ties. Ties, made out of wood. Behold!
The website that sells them touts the ease of care (no ironing, just furniture polish) and offers testimonials from happy customers. Like this one:
"I can’t believe how cool this tie is. I’m single and when I wear it, women give me lots of attention…lots!"
Notice how he says "lots of attention" rather than "an avalanche of ass"? Yeah, I did too.