Ho Ho No! Santa’s Secret Workshop Exposed!
The world was shocked to learn earlier today that an ongoing labor dispute between Santa and his elves has led to this year’s batch of Christmas toys begin manufactured not at the North Pole, but rather in several secret factories in Guangdong, China. Apparently, working relations between the man in red and his happy helpers have been deteriorating since St. Patrick’s Day. By Easter, the elves were on strike and Santa was forced to outsource his magic workshop to China.
“It all started on St. Patrick’s Day,” said Twinklebottom, the head of the elves’ union, “The big guy had a few too many eggnogs and called us leprechauns. We didn’t mind at the time, but then he never apologized.” Relations got worse after an inter-office memo came to light in which Santa contemplated cost-cutting by adopting the Easter Bunny business model. Allegedly, the inflammatory message noted that “Santa’s workshop could save up to 3 million tons of magic per year if only a skeleton crew of elves were retained for ‘cosmetic purposes.’”
That is when the elves went on strike.
Thus far, Santa has refused to negotiate with what he now purportedly calls “the ankle biters.” Instead, according to an anonymous contact in the PRC, Santa reached out to the world’s second-largest workshop: China. “We entered into secret negotiations with the North Pole in late April and began production in early May,” said the anonymous Chinese source, “Santa was willing to pay top dollar for his toys as long as the rest of world thought they were still being made at the North Pole.”
Since the story was leaked, Santa has remained quiet. The North Pole’s official spokesperson has issued a short statement saying: “On Christmas Eve, Santa is busy making his list and checking it twice. He doesn’t have time to respond to these hurtful rumors.” The picket line of elves outside the shuttered workshop says that the elvish strike is more than just a rumor.
Santa has been in tense negotiations with his reindeer teamsters since Thanksgiving, but it seems as though both parties were able to come to an agreement and tonight’s massive deliveries are expected to proceed as planned.
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