12 Tips For Surviving The Mayan Apocalypse
December 21 marks the end of the ancient Mayan calendar. Conspiracy theorists have interpreted this as a sign of an inevitable “end of the world” apocalypse. But just how the apocalypse will happen, no one is certain.
Will it be an asteroid? A natural disaster that takes out the Earth’s power grid and reduces us all to a quivering mass of uselessness, sobbing into our dead iPhones? Or will it just mean that Simon Cowell finally earns enough money to buy the Earth and vote us all off? Only time will tell.
In the meantime, you’d better get ready. Just in case. Here are some of the best ways to prepare for the end of the world.
12. Get Supplies
The CDC has a website with advice on how to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. While they claim the site is just a marketing gimmick, you’d rather be safe than sorry… for having your brains served as fondue. The website suggests stocking up on supplies of water (one gallon per person, per day); medicine; tools like scissors, utility knives, duct tape and a battery-powered radio; important documents; and a well-stocked first-aid kit.
11. Pick A Meeting Spot
The CDC recommends that you pick a rendezvous point in case you and your loved ones get separated. Pick one place outside your home and – in case your neighborhood is rendered inaccessible by flaming asteroids or Illuminati assassins – a Plan B location outside your neighborhood.
10. Plan Your Escape
Take the time to look at a map and plan an escape route out of your house and to a place of safety. The CDC recommends planning several routes, just in case the highways are littered with bodies. Also, write down emergency contact information and identify a point-person to whom everyone should report.
9. Plan Your Menu
The homesteading site PreppingToSurvive.com has a smorgasbord of recipes using ingredients that come from the land; for example, squirrels and dumplings, snake, opossums à la barbeque sauce. You might want to start a Pinterest board with these beauties.
8. Stockpile Weapons
Everybody makes fun of the guy with guns… until a reincarnated Mayan zombie needs to be put down. Build your arsenal with a .22 caliber rifle and a 12-gauge shotgun. These sturdy, no-nonsense weapons will last through tough conditions, until the economy collapses, plentiful and affordable. Of course, make sure you do all of this legally and safely. Just because the apocalypse will destroy civilization doesn’t mean we have to behave like animals.
7. Build a Bunker
If you can’t build yourself an underground bunker, you can outsource that messy task to the experts. Sites like Silohome.com offer secure underground homes with private airports, all for the reasonable price of $2 million dollars. TerraVivos.com offers more affordable bunkers for personal or community use. For the discerning survivalist there is also the luxury survival condo, where the tagline is “peace of mind comes with being prepared for anything.” Or, presumably, with being prepared to pay anything.
6. Learn to Harvest Water
The average human can survive for days or even weeks without food, but dehydration will kill you in two or three days. Therefore, to get the most enjoyment out of the apocalypse, you need to learn how to harvest and purify water by yourself. Commercial purification systems can be unwieldy and costly, so creating your own portable rainwater harvesting system is a must. There are several systems you can choose from: one that uses sand to purify rainwater and another that uses a carbon filter and quilt batting. It’s always easier to face zombies when your thirst has been quenched.
5. Store Everything In A Bucket
Some survivalist websites suggest storing your food rations in a bucket with an air-tight lid. During the apocalypse, buckets will be an important commodity as they will come in handy in case your safe-area becomes contaminated with zombies or radiation (mostly both) or radioactive zombies. PreppingToSurvive suggests building food buckets with items like oatmeal, tuna, canned soup and, if there’s room, supplies to make bread.
4. Know The Government Hideouts
Using your precious tax dollars, the government has been preparing for the apocalypse for years. Some of the best spots to crowd in are Mount Weather, where FEMA is headquartered and Dick Cheney watched the September 11 attacks, and the Greenbrier Luxury Resort, a National Historic landmark chock-full of underground bunkers.
3. Learn a Skill
After years of watching reality television, Americans should be well-versed in the psychological acumen needed to survive in harsh conditions. But just in case you missed those valuable lessons: learn a skill. In Survivor everyone wants to hang on to the guy who makes fire. So, whether it’s being able to tell the difference between poisonous and edible plants or how to make a ham radio from a coconut, be sure you have a necessary skill. If you don’t, I’m not saying you will be cannibalized, but your bacon-laden diet does make you sound delicious…
2. Know Your Plants
Did you know you can eat dandelion leaves and that chickweed is an important part of a balanced post-apocalyptic diet? Well, it’s time to ramp up your knowledge of flora and fauna. Wikipedia has a catalog of edible plants sure to be a hit at the post-apocalyptic potluck. Perhaps more importantly: learn your poisonous plants too. Not all mushrooms are magic.
1. Take Up Fishing
Stock up on fishing gear like lines, lures, hooks, and a sturdy pole. You are going to need them during the inevitable squirrel extinction of 2013, which will be followed by the opossum blight of 2014. And no one expected the skunk flu in 2015…
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